Brooklyn Grace turned one year old a couple weeks ago and I thought I would share her birth story. I promise it won’t be too detailed but I do love reading birth stories and it feels special to share my own. When I first found out I was pregnant I was so surprised. Josh and I had been trying for around six months and I’d seen a negative test or two during that time. I really wasn’t expecting to see “positive” appear because I didn’t have any pregnancy symptoms. I was going to wait to look at it with Josh but it showed up faster than I expected. I let out a gasp and Josh jumped out of bed, “Is it positive?” I was already crying so I couldn’t answer him. He looked at the test and hugged me for a while. We just stood in the bathroom, hugging and laughing.
My pregnancy was pretty easy, I had one weekend of morning sickness around week 14, but other than that felt really good. I was sick one day before vacation and one day after so I think my body may have just been reacting to a change in routine combined with growing a human. Brooklyn’s placenta was in an anterior position so it acted like a wall between her and my belly. Because of this I didn’t get a lot of hard kicks but as she grew I felt her more and more. The second half of pregnancy I was definitely moving slower, I had quite a bit of round ligament pain but I was able to do some stretching to relieve it. My body was also preparing me for limited sleep, I became a very light sleeper and woke up pretty early most mornings. But all in all I can’t complain a lot of women have it much harder than I did.
The morning of February 9th I had an appointment with my doctor. I was a little bit nervous for this appointment because I was 39 weeks and not really having any signs that labor would be coming soon. My doctor had mentioned already that she was not a fan of pregnancy going past 41 weeks and that she would recommend labor be induced at that point. I really did not want to go that route as I was hoping to have a drug free natural birth. I was really hoping that she would be able to tell if I was dilated and I got my wish as she was able to tell I was already at 3.5 cm! However, she didn’t think based on some of the other things that she was able to measure that I would give birth soon. She did warn me that it is a hard thing to predict. I went home hopeful but trying to guard my heart and trust God’s plan for my daughter’s birth.
Within a few hours of the appointment I was starting to feel some light cramping, kind of like period cramps. But they were pretty light so I didn’t really think much of it. These cramps continued throughout the day on Wednesday the 10th but at very sporadic intervals, nothing that I could predict. I worked that day, my next pregnancy I think I will take some time off before my due date, I was pretty useless working as I’d started to wonder if I was in the early stages of labor. My dad called me toward the end of the work day and once I was off the phone I decided to just log off for the day and start making dinner.
As the evening progressed the cramps I was feeling were becoming a little bit more noticeable but manageable. I made homemade pizza that night and then just relaxed on the couch for the evening. I kind of remember doing some chores and finishing up some stuff for the baby. I think some friends came over with Braum’s Ice Cream at some point and hung out with us for a little bit. But after they left Josh and I decided we were still starving so we ordered barbeque wings from It’s Just Wings on Doordash around 9 pm. After we finished I decided I was getting tired and I got ready for bed.
I was having a hard time getting comfortable once I was in bed and by the time Josh had joined me and fallen asleep I had decided that the cramps were too much and I wasn’t going to be able to rest. I nudged him a little and told him that I was going to get up and get in the bathtub for a while. I had read that a good way to test your contractions was to get in the bath, if they went away you were having Braxton Hicks, if they continued you were in labor. The bath felt good but definitely increased the cramping and at that point all of the pain felt like it had moved from the front of my belly to the base of my spine.
The bath was really helping though and I was able to breathe through the contractions. I stayed there for a long time. I’m not exactly sure when I got in but I think around 4 am on Thursday February 11th when my contractions were around 6 minutes apart and lasted close to a minute. I was feeling a sense of urgency. I decided that I should probably get out and start gathering some of my things and get dressed. I hollered for Josh, who had been dead asleep and unaware that I was in labor, I needed his help to get out of the tub. When he came into the bathroom I informed him that I was 90% sure I was in labor and that we needed to start getting ready to go to the hospital. He helped me out and we started getting things together.
Things really started to move quickly once I got out of the bathtub. Every step seemed to trigger a contraction as I moved throughout the house. By the time I was done getting ready contractions were closer to around 4 minutes apart. We called the hospital to let them know we were coming, the nurse on the phone didn’t sound convinced that I was in labor but she said to come in. Josh carried our stuff out to the truck and then he came to help me out. It had been snowing overnight and I wasn’t sure I would be able to climb in the truck by myself. We made it to the hospital around 5:30 am and I was in the delivery room by 6.
Once in the room one of the nurses checked me and said I was at 6 cm. This had been my goal for timing my arrival at the hospital. My doctor had suggested that if I wanted to go natural and limit interventions that I should try to labor at home as long as possible. She said 6 cm would be the perfect time in the process to arrive at the hospital. At this point I was still feeling confident that I would be able to make it without an epidural, the pain was pretty manageable.
Things kind of slowed at this point. Unfortunately the hospital we were in didn’t have portable electronic monitoring so I wasn’t allowed to move around much. I think if I had been moving around like I was at home things would have progressed much more quickly. They had me bounce on a ball for a while but were getting concerned because the monitors kept slipping. Plus with Covid rules we were really confined to our room. For the next baby I will hopefully have some options for where I choose to deliver so I’ll definitely be looking for a place I can move around without freaking the nurses out. I think I’ll also feel a little more confident in advocating for myself.
At some point during the morning my doctor came by to check in on me and for a long while I just sat in an upright position in the bed and breathed through the contractions. It was a very peaceful atmosphere, we had music playing and the lights were turned down low. I really felt like I dozed through most of it. For me, labor was a mind game, when a contraction would wash over me I would just breathe through it and let out some groans. Honestly I think I sounded a lot like a cow but it felt like the most natural thing to do when I was working through the pain. I would focus on the music, pray, and remind myself that the end goal was meeting my sweet baby girl. It wasn’t easy by any means but it was bearable and I knew that my pain had a purpose and at the end of each contraction I got a break. However, this was all before my water broke.
I would guess that somewhere around 1:30 pm my groaning was getting more intense so the nurse came back in and asked if I wanted her to check my progress. I said yes because I was feeling a lot of pressure, she let me know I was at a 9. She said she could feel the amniotic sac was still intact and could tell that Brooklyn’s head was right up against it. She told me she would give my doctor a call that I was getting close. When my doctor came in she also checked me and she offered to break my water as it might help things move a little faster. At this point she thought that it wouldn’t cause any issues to break my water, the baby was definitely going to come out naturally.
Once my water was broken she let me know that I had moved back to an 8. She said that it is really common as the amniotic sac can help hold the cervix open but once it breaks that pressure eases and the cervix can close a little. Things got real once my water broke and I can completely understand why women get epidurals. The amniotic sac had acted like a cushion for my baby’s head but once it was gone I could feel the full force of her head as she made her way out. Unfortunately I also hit transition at the same time so the contractions much were more intense, longer and closer together. I was gripping the bed frame as hard as I could and all of that mental effort I put in earlier in the day was gone, I could barely think during contractions. I barely remember it but I know Josh was in my ear cheering me through it.
I think probably around 2:45 my doctor came back in and let me know I was finally at 10 cm. My nurse asked if it was okay for some nursing students to come in and watch, I agreed and I’m so glad I did, I had a huge cheering section in their corner of the room. I started to push around 3 pm, the first push was a learning curve but I was able to figure it out and the next 2 or 3 pushes were enough and after 11 minutes Brooklyn Grace was squirming on my chest. I believe my first words to her were “you look like your dad”! This sweet baby came out starving and promptly began to suck on my shoulder so a nurse helped me get her started on breastfeeding right away.
While she ate I discovered another piece of birth where it would have been helpful to have some drugs. I unfortunately was a little too aggressive in pushing, I was just so ready to meet her and have the hard part over, that I ended up with a pretty good tear. Without the drugs getting stitched up was not fun and I think after it was over I was going through a little shock. I was overwhelmed by the pain of that part and after Brooklyn finished eating I let Josh hold her for a while. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to hold her up, I felt a little removed from my body.
The reason I add this to the story is that it would be easy to end with my daughter breastfeeding and then saying “we all lived happily ever after” but for me natural birth wasn’t really magical. And I just want young expecting mamas to know that it doesn’t always work out that way and I wish I would have read more birth stories that ended with the mom feeling worn out and in need of a good shower even if she didn’t have any particularly traumatic moments. Don’t get me wrong I am so proud that I did it, I’m glad I did it and thankful that I was able to, and I was so super in love with my daughter and my husband when she was born. Pregnancy and delivery gave me such an appreciation for my body and showed me that I can do hard things when I set my mind to it; it was a huge confidence boost.
But at that moment, I felt exhausted, nervous about my stitches, and overall just kind of gross. I was overwhelmed by pain I hadn’t prepared for that I didn’t really feel like I bonded with my daughter like I should have. I just wanted to share these feelings to say that it’s okay if your birth story isn’t magical. Even if you do all the “right” things you still may not feel warm and fuzzy about everything and that’s okay. You’re still a good mom even if you don’t feel like you bonded to your child right away.
Thankfully the next two days I spent loving on my sweet B and my heart was filled with so much love for her and watching Josh become a daddy was one of the best things ever. I wouldn’t trade anything for those two days I got with them in the hospital, it was probably the best thing to come from Covid rules. We weren’t allowed to have visitors so I got those first moments with them all to myself.
And that’s really the end of Brooklyn’s birth story. I am thankful that God made my body the way He did, that He answered my prayers and gave me the birth I wanted and that He has sustained me through all the hard days of motherhood. I’ve learned that most of what happens in motherhood is completely outside of my control, that who she becomes and how she arrived are totally in His hands.
